Since being diagnosed with Anxiety back in May 2017, I feel like I can’t catch a break. Earlier this year I started to see a therapist and she let me know I had a type of OCD. When you think of OCD you think of neat & tidy, NO WAY that was me. I mean had she not seen my room?? Little did I Know OCD affected your brain by making you obsess over thoughts as well. She said even the “clean & tidy” part was a part of the obsessive thoughts, which make you do that.
This has been such a roller coaster for me, and yet I still refuse to get on medication. I get anxiety over anxiety medicine. Kind of ironic, huh? I am not comfortable taking them, after reading about what the side effects are, I feel like I can beat this on my own. But at the same time, I don’t want to suffer like this forever? So, what do I do, do I take them or not? Decisions, Decisions.
When I first started with my anxiety, I thought I had every illness I could think of. I convinced myself I had MS, brain tumor, HIV, anything possible, I thought I had it. I had so many doctor’s appointments, ER visits, Urgent care visits, more than I have probably had in my whole life. I had blood work, heart monitors on me for a week at time, CAT scan’s…. All to say, everything was coming back normal. Yet I insisted something was wrong with me. Although I knew they had told me I had anxiety, I didn’t think it could causes the physical symptoms I was feelings, such as, numbness all over, tingling of my foot, headaches (daily nonstop), eye floaters, neck tension, bone aches, you name it, I had it. How could NOTHING be wrong? The hardest part is hearing you have nothing, yet you still have that doubt, maybe they missed something?
Back in December I had the worst part of my anxiety yet. I was reaching to pick up my son off the ground, I pulled his hoodie (not rough at all) I promise you looking back it didn’t do ANYTHING, however he’s 6 years old, so his words to me “Ouch, you choked me” I remember those words replaying in my head on my way to work. I started to think “What if I did hurt him” “What if those were my intentions” A month after that incident, I would not be left alone with my very own son! I would not cook with him in the house with the fear of holding the knife. I started putting away knifes whenever I would see them. I had convinced myself I would and could hurt him. Deep down I knew that was absurd because that little boy is my heart and soul. He is my everything… maybe that’s why it hurt so much. The thought of hurting the one I loved the most.
I brought this up to my therapist and she acknowledged my fears and told me, my anxiety/OCD was going to grab the thought that was the scariest and keep it in my brain to replay over and over. Which is what it was doing with the thought I had. I started doing research and found many others go through this. It’s sad to know you get comfort knowing others are suffering. I have somewhat overcome this thought, it comes and goes, but I have learned to try to just let it float away, because my thoughts and “What if’s” are not my reality. I know it is just my anxiety doing a very good job at scaring me.
This month has been more then tough for me. I was showering and I know I saw steam move across the bathroom (I take EXTREMELY Hot showers) I have a glass door, so through it I saw what seemed like steam. When I got out I knew this was not good, I felt the rush of “What if it was something else” I am now battling the thought of “What if you have Schizophrenia” The reasons for these thoughts are not valid at all, because it was something that literally could have happened to anyone but I over thought it. Now here I am fearful and starting from box 1 all over again. . .
Luckily, I have read stories of people that have it, and live normal lives. This has helped ease my anxiety a bit. We will see how this goes! Please feel free to leave your comments and thoughts.